Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

• If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
• If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
• If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
• If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
• If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
• If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
• If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
• If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
• If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

Ginsing - What happens on Karaoke Nite after mixing fun with Gin.

Scotch - Because one doesn’t solve the world’s problems over white wine.

Scotch. Even we Irish will drink it…

One more and I’ll be under the host - Dorothy Parker

Without question the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you the wheel was also a fine invention, but a wheel does not go as well with pizza. - Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drink behind. - Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. - David Moulton

American beer is like making love in a canoe. It’s f*cking close to water. - Monty Python

You are drunk when you feel sophisticated but you are not able to pronounce it.

Beer: Helping white guys dance since 1862

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. - Dean Martin

A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her. What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? - W.C. Fields

Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time. -Catherine Zandonella

There’s too much blood in my alcohol system

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862!

Remember I before E, except in Budweiser.

Beer contains Vitamin Pee.

You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. - Frank Zappa

Give a man a beer, he’ll waste an hour. Teach a man to brew, he’ll waste a lifetime.

You know you’re drunk when you fall off the floor.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you’re drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. - Jack Handy

Hmmmmmmmmm….Beer - Homer Simpson

And G-d said: Let there be vodka! And He saw that it was good. Then G-d said: Let there be light! And then He said: Whoa - too much light.

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. - David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking classes. - Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. - Henny Youngman

I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. -Tom Waits

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day. - Frank Sinatra

Life is tough, get a helmet

You’ve got to stand for something or you’ll fall for anything.

Here’s to living single, seeing double and sleeping triple!

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…

Beer: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.

A six pack a day keeps the shakes away!

Whiskey was invented so the Irish wouldn’t rule the world.

To some it’s half empty, To some it’s half full. To me it’s time for a beer run!

Candy is dandy but, liquor is quicker - Ogden Nash

My drinking team has a soccer problem.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

There’s no future in time travel.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

One-half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough. - Josh Billings

Never pet a burning dog.

Always remember to pillage before you burn.

Never eat yellow snow.

If everything is going right, quickly hang a left. - Tom Boski

Found on a Speed Racer T-shirt: Machine Wash Cold Your 100% Cotton Silk-Screened T-shirt. Tumble dry low, clean your room, and don’t stay out past 11:00 without calling.

There are two secrets for success: 1. Don’t reveal all your secrets

If you can’t be good, be good at it.

If you treat every situation like a life or death matter, be prepared to die a lot of times.

If you’re not part of the solution, be part of the problem!

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.

Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you’re a mile away, and you have their shoes too.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he’s a mile away and barefoot.

They say you can’t really know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. I say if they’ve got itsy-bitsy feet or some kind of foot disease, I don’t wanna know ‘em!