A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.’

‘One Cent?’ the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
‘How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?’

‘A nickel,’ the barman replied.

‘A nickel?’ exclaimed the man.
‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’

The bartender replied:
‘Upstairs, with my wife.’

The man asked: ‘What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?’

The bartender replied:
‘The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.’

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: ‘I have something I must confess.’

‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied.

‘No,’ he insisted, ‘I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!’

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

‘Hurry,’ she said, ’stand in the corner.’ 

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

‘Don’t move until I tell you,’ she said, ‘pretend you’re a statue.’

‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired as he entered the room.

‘Oh it’s a statue,’ she replied, ‘the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.’

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

‘Here,’ he said to the statue, have this.

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.’

A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

‘I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,’ the mortician commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.’

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home 

‘I have something to show you won’t believe,’ he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

‘My God!’ the wife exclaimed, ‘Schwartz is dead!’

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: ‘There’s no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?’

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

‘Not this time!’

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM .
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.

‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded.
‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied,
‘I’m having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.’

She looked down at his shoes and said:
‘You lying bastard!
You’ve been playing golf!’

It was July 16, 1954. I was just washed from exiting my mom’s womb. “Congratulations, Ms. London,” I used to joke that the OB/GYN told my mom, “It’s a Realtor”. My parents owned a very old real estate stable family real estate company and were from a generation where, if and when an offspring arrived, especially a male, they were born to be bred shaped and molded into that genetically-inherited business. I tried it a few years. It was disastrous.

I was born in the tiny hamlet of Hattiesburg, Ms. I was not aware of these southern traditional family values, and, as I became more aware of my environment around me, I was certain I wanted to have something to do with humor as I grew older. How did I know this? It was all common sense. Try working for your conservative Realtor dad for five years. You will know. And you’ll know way before you finally have the nerve to “retire” in that five year period.

Since my Valentine got a computer,
My love life has taken a hit.
Nothing I say is important,
Unless it’s a byte or a bit.

Before she got her new laptop,
Everything was just fine;
Now she says we can’t talk
Unless we both go online.

“But honey,” I said, “I’m attached to you;
Love is what I feel.”
“That keyword isn’t relevant,”
She said, with eyes of steel.

She clicked the keyboard furiously;
The screen was all she could see,
And then to my horror and shame,
She started describing me:

“Your motherboard needs upgrading;
Your OS needs help, too.
And you definitely need a big heatsink
To cool your CPU.”

“Don’t flame me, my sweet,” I pleaded.
“Not on Valentine’s Day.”
“Fix the bugs, and I’ll see,” she said,
While looking at me with dismay.

“What ever you want, my darling;
Whatever you need; you call it.
I’ll upload or download anything,
And then I’ll go install it.”