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Extracts from some of the year’s newspaper articles concerning the Health and Safety Executive:

In 2007 a school headmaster banned the playing of conkers in the playground unless the children involved were wearing government approved protective goggles. Other schools followed suit in banning conkers completely.

Companies have been banning the use of Christmas decorations because health and safety regulations require that only a qualified person must be allowed to do such a job.

All office equipment must now be tested by a competent and qualified electrician on an annual basis.

Children at a donkey derby were banned from riding real donkeys and were forced to hop along on inflatable sheep due to health and safety regulations.

Egg boxes have been banned in school art and craft lessons because the danger of catching salmonella is considered excessive.

For safety reasons the use of step ladders has been banned in all UK companies.

All risk assessments now require a warning label. This includes pencil boxes containing the warning, “Danger, functional sharp point”, and egg boxes containing the warning, “may contain nuts” in case the chicken imbibed nuts in its normal feed.

MPs have been given a 10 point guide explaining what to do if they broke a lightbulb. It advises, “the cleaning operative” to don a mask and gloves before placing the fragments in a sturdy box and disposing of them according to health and safety guidelines.

A church garden fete in Yorkshire was abandoned because the organisers could not get insurance to cover themselves in case someone twisted their ankle on the grass and the cost of laying artificial pavement was prohibitive.

All this sounds a bit bleak were it not for the fact that even though they were actually printed in newspapers, and in many cases really happened, they were nothing to do with the Health and Safety Executive.

On the HSE website at www.hse.gov.uk/myth/ you will findcartoons indicating the myth of the month. The reality is that most of these events were caused by over officious or overly nervous people who simply assumed they had to do these things in order to avoid predatory lawyers. And in other cases it was the newspapers deciding to create a story when none really existed. No change there then.

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1. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be too afraid to cough.

3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

6. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.

If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40.

If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

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Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

It’s Raining, It’s Pouring.
Oh shit, it’s Global Warming.

Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can’t keep his heart rate down
And she’s got diabetes.

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and everywhere that Mary went
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
’twas split right up the front
…But she didn’t wear that one often.

Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
‘What have u got there?’
Said the pie man unto Simon
Pies you dickhead.

Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arse
and turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill
went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Jill, the dill,
forgot her pill,
and now they have a son.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it’s black and crispy.

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Every so often, a person comes along that simply is hard to put in a particular category. The comedian Steven Wright is certain one such person. He is utterly original, but one has to wonder where the observations come from.

Who is Steven Wright? He is a sublime comedian who has to be seen to be enjoyed. He once did an HBO special in a cardboard refrigerator box for two people which should tell you everything you need to know. If not, here are some of his quips on life.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, “Well, what do you need?”

Smoking cures weight problems…eventually

The sky is falling…no, I’m tipping over backwards.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on the road an hour

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, “So. What did you think?”

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

About the Author:

Aazdak Alisimo writes for FunnyQuotesDaily.com, where you can get free funny quotes updated each and every day of the year. This article is available as a unique content article with free reprint rights.

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When a GIRL is quiet … millions of things are running in her mind. When a GIRL is not arguing … she is thinking deeply. When a GIRL looks at u with eyes full of questions … she is wondering how long you will be around. When a GIRL answers ” I’m fine ” after a few seconds … she is not at all fine.

When a GIRL stares at you … she is wondering why you are lying. When a GIRL lays on your chest … she is wishing for you to be hers forever. When a GIRL wants to see you everyday… she wants to be pampered. When a GIRL says ” I love you ” … she means it. When a GIRL says ” I miss you ” … no one in this world can miss you more than that.

Life only comes around once make sure u spend it with the right person …. Find a guy … who calls you beautiful instead of hot. who calls you back when you hang up on him. who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who … kisses your forehead.

Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats. Who holds your hand in front of his friends. Who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you. Who turns to his friends and says, ” That’s her!! “

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This was written by a guy … it’s pretty damn smart.

Girls — Please have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, ‘I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.’

I said, ‘WHAT??!! What was that?!’

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…

‘You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.’

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, ‘Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?’

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, ‘Lets get a pair for each outfit.’

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you… she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, ‘That’s fine, honey.’ She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, ‘I think this is all
dear, let’s go to the cashier.’

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, ‘No honey, I don’t feel like it.’

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, ‘WHAT?’

I then said, ‘Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.’

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, ‘Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?’

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either….but at least that bitch knows I’m smarter than her.

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Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to
in the first place.

Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

In 2000 eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.

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