Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength. - Corrie TenBoom

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. - Ambrose Bierce

Live life to the fullest… think of all the people on the Titanic who passed up chocolate dessert.

If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a watergun and shoot other people in the eyes.

You are what you eat. So stay away from the jerk chicken.

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

If you see a snake, just kill it. Don’t appoint a committee on snakes. - H. Ross Perot

If you aren’t making waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough!

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Drink varnish and you’ll get a lovely finish.

He who laughs, lasts.

It is better to keep your mouth shut, and look like a fool, than to open your mouth, and remove all doubt.

Today is tomorrow’s yesterday. If you are longing for the ‘good old days’, you’re there pal.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

At the end of your rope? Tie and knot and SWING!

This is as bad as it can get, but don’t bet on it.

A halo has to fall only a few inches to become a noose. - Farmers Almanac

The cigarette does the smoking, you’re just the sucker.

Always hold your head up, but be careful to keep your nose at a friendly level.

Revenge has no more quenching effect on emotions than salt water has on thirst.

Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbor’s daughter

Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy, check 3 friends, if they are ok, you’re it.

Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.

Tears will get you sympathy. Sweat will get you results.

The act of giving is more important than the merit of the receiver.

The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.

The only place you can win a football game is on the field. The only place you can lose it is in your head.

Quit smoking on the anniversary of your birth, not the day of your death. - Corky Peterson

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

If nobody knows the troubles you’ve seen, then you don’t live in a small town.

If the human brain was simple enough for us to understand we’d be so simple we couldn’t understand.

If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good price.

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Never say ‘OOPS!’ always say ‘Ah, Interesting!’

Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.

Pain and Suffering is inevitable but Misery is optional.

Plan ahead: It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark!

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.

Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.

Accidents don’t just happen. They must be carelessly planned.

Perseverance is not a long race. It is many short races one after another.

Some goals are so worthy, it’s glorious even to fail.

Some succeed because they are destined to. But most succeed because they are determined to.

If money could talk, it would say: goodbye.

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